Social Services Will Have a Field Day


I just wanted to say that I didn’t fail today.  I got stuff done.  I finished the Swedish vampire book (very satisfying ending), I made apple butter for a friend, I made a lot of meatballs (lamb/feta and sausage/pesto), I made several fruit designs without screwing them up and even managed to catch a minor error on one before it got delivered.  I did 95% of the dishes, cut all the pineapple daisies, dipped and sprinkled the pineapple cupcakes, did the grocery shopping and I didn’t devour an entire box of Girl Scout cookies even though there was no one there to stop me.  I had a brie, apple, and bacon sandwich for lunch, which I made in my own kitchen.  Above all, though I felt drowsy at lag times between tasks, I did not take a nap.  I did not give in to the nagging temptation of just 15 min.  I know this is a minor victory to some of you, but after work, I just want to go into sleep mode, so fighting the impulse to take a load off or lay down for just a little bit, thereby negating any forward momentum I had, is difficult for me.

Anyway, this is boring.  Let me tell you something funny.  Have you seen that car commercial where the dad is doing all these adventurous things with his kids and saying “don’t tell mom” every time?  Then at the end, mom and son land from skydiving and she says “don’t tell dad,” which kind of makes the dad look like a putz for not thinking that mom would be into teepeeing the neighbor’s house.  I don’t know what car they were selling but it got me thinking.  Buddy and I are at the stage in our marriage where we talk about, well, not having kids, but how we will torment them when we do have them.

So, for instance, we would do the “don’t tell mom/dad” thing, tell each other what adventure we went on, and then stage fights about them.  This is not some kind of sadism we’re practicing here.  No.  The way I see it, we’re teaching the children valuable lessons about honesty in a relationship and how even the most well-meaning deception can lead to heartache.

We also have a gag wherein Buddy uses his normal phrase announcing that he intends to remove his contacts, “I’m going to take my eyes out,” and then proceeds to reenter the room groping blindly, perhaps with ketchup on his face for added effect.  This one would probably only work while they are very young.

We should probably never have children.

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1 Comment

15AM000000122011 · 00:33

One response to “Social Services Will Have a Field Day

  1. ihavebetterthingstodo

    You’re well on your way to amazing parenthood. Now learn this phrase, “Because I’m a mean old nasty lady (man) and I like to see you in pain.” You will use that a lot. The other thing you can do is tell your kids to tell dad (mom) “well, it was kinda tiring, but we ran the stairs to the top of the highest building in town and then base jumped as an audition for Amazing Race. We gave out autographs in the holding cell, and bond was only a couple thousand dollars…”

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