I am so sorry it has been so long. Mostly I blame finals week, but finals week was only as bad as it was because once again I procrastinated my way into late evenings of studying and writing papers. This might be my worst set of grades yet, though at least I can be sure that my math grade is up to my normal standards.
I don’t know why I spend so much time hamstringing myself. It’s almost like I’m so afraid of failure that I preemptively cut off my chances for success. That way if I fail, at least I wasn’t doing my best. Whatever the psychology behind it, I don’t actually feel better for spending a weekend playing Sudoku rather than studying harder for my art final. I just mope around about wrong answers, fervently hoping that somehow it will all be okay. Apparently, all I’m really achieving with this low-attempt strategy is a growing number of ulcers and anxiety dreams.
And before ANYONE says, “Why don’t you just do it (study, homework, resumes, etc)?” let me stop you right there. I don’t know why I can have a screaming, panicky voice in my head that is so easy to ignore. It’s the one that urges me to get off the couch so I can get laundry done, or do some housework, make dinner, or be productive in any way. It is also the same voice that tells me to stop picking at scabs because “HELLO. IT HURTS. IT SCARS. IT LEAVES BLOOD ON YOUR CLOTHES.” That voice doesn’t win very often though it provides many logical arguments. It is fighting compulsive behavior.
And I want it to win. I just also want to finish this game or this book or this episode. I want to avoid my problems and pretend that I still have time, that there is no rush. Sometimes I think that if I didn’t have Buddy and school, I would never get out of bed. I would just stay there, reading books or playing Sudoku until all my batteries died and that’s how they would find me.
This took a very negative turn. I think I’ll do some reading to cheer me up.