Self-less Selfishness


I spend a lot of time worrying about other people.

But it isn’t because I’m a selfless person at all.  It’s because I am completely self-centered.

I worry about how I would be affected by the loss of a person I care about.

I try to think of ways that I can help them so that they will feel gratitude toward me.

I have to fight against myself all the time because I want to buy people stuff that I think they will like.  They won’t like it.  I just need them to like it because I do.

I need praise and gratitude.  I need thanks for every tiny, insignificant thing I do for someone else.

I am a narcissist.

However, with careful deliberation, I can steer my self-adoration into actual good deeds for others.  When I shut down that inner whine that insists I don’t get enough credit and wonders why I bother at all, I can remember that good deeds for praise are empty gestures.

I am sorry that I can be so easily swayed by my ego to sneer at people I love simply because they don’t acknowledge a paltry gift I sent.

On a slightly related subject, I am also paranoid.  If I send someone a gift and they don’t acknowledge receipt of that gift, I begin to fear that it was lost or damaged or stolen.

Knowing my penchant for narcissism and paranoia, I have developed a system by which I find out if a gift was received without directly asking the recipient.

Examples:

How was your day?

Do anything special for your birthday?

Did Mom/Dad/Bro/Sis get that thing I sent?  (Spying)

Did you hear that there have been a rash of gift card thefts in the mail?  (Fishing)

 

Yeah, I worry about a lot of people.  Bit I also worry about me because I have to remind myself that I should worry for their sake and not just my own.

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15AM000000122011 · 00:01

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