I spend a lot of time worrying about other people.
But it isn’t because I’m a selfless person at all. It’s because I am completely self-centered.
I worry about how I would be affected by the loss of a person I care about.
I try to think of ways that I can help them so that they will feel gratitude toward me.
I have to fight against myself all the time because I want to buy people stuff that I think they will like. They won’t like it. I just need them to like it because I do.
I need praise and gratitude. I need thanks for every tiny, insignificant thing I do for someone else.
I am a narcissist.
However, with careful deliberation, I can steer my self-adoration into actual good deeds for others. When I shut down that inner whine that insists I don’t get enough credit and wonders why I bother at all, I can remember that good deeds for praise are empty gestures.
I am sorry that I can be so easily swayed by my ego to sneer at people I love simply because they don’t acknowledge a paltry gift I sent.
On a slightly related subject, I am also paranoid. If I send someone a gift and they don’t acknowledge receipt of that gift, I begin to fear that it was lost or damaged or stolen.
Knowing my penchant for narcissism and paranoia, I have developed a system by which I find out if a gift was received without directly asking the recipient.
How was your day?
Do anything special for your birthday?
Did Mom/Dad/Bro/Sis get that thing I sent? (Spying)
Did you hear that there have been a rash of gift card thefts in the mail? (Fishing)
Yeah, I worry about a lot of people. Bit I also worry about me because I have to remind myself that I should worry for their sake and not just my own.