All the planned parts of today sucked. Not in any actual way, but just in the way that living as an adult usually does. We’ve all had those days.
When I got home from work, I mentioned my sushi craving and Buddy mentioned how he likes to enable (and he needed to buy new shoes). So new shoes and sushi happened. And because we had sushi, we had to have Coldstone. The unplanned part of the day went swimmingly.
On the drive home, I started wondering about modern versions of Hell.
For People Who Spend All Their Time on Their Phone:
You are at a live performance of your favorite band in the largest stadium in the world. Then you find out that due to impending hearing issues, the band can no longer play at full stadium volume. Fortunately, the first 10 rows will be able to hear the whole thing fine. Everyone else, including you, can live stream it on their phones. But the reception is iffy and everyone has different quality phones, so all around you is the cacophony of buffering videos all out of step with each other. The tickets are non-refundable.
For People Who Can’t Follow Simple Traffic Laws:
You are stuck behind a slow person in the right lane, so switch to the left lane. And get stuck behind a person driving even slower. You can’t get back into the right lane because there are too many cars going too fast. Then the interstate widens by a lane, so you quickly get into the left lane. And get stuck behind a person driving even slower. Bonus: If you stay in the right lane, there is construction that closes the right lane and no one will let you in.
Also, if you lived in the Hampton Roads Area there will be an accident at the HRBT which forces you to reroute to MMBT. Where there is another accident. But it’s okay because the HRBT is cleared now. Oh, no it’s not. There was another accident. And if you try to take the JRB, it will always be opening for a stream of cruise liners ferrying all the people you ever hated in High School. Waving happily.
For People Who Post Clickbait:
You will try to watch a video on YouTube. But you can’t ever get to the video because there are non-stop ads. You can’t skip the ads.
For People Who Lie On Online Profiles:
You can never finish the eHarmony questionnaire. Ever.
For People Who Overshare on Social Media:
Every time you try to send a text, you send a dick pic to your grandmother. Even if you don’t have a dick. Every text you receive will say “You have multimedia waiting to download.” It will never download.
For People Who Are Rude to Retail/Service Employees:
You will work retail on Black Friday. Every day. Everyone will be rude to you.
For People Who Steal Credit Cards/Identities:
You are on the phone trying to fix something (cancel a magazine subscription, change your name on a record, update your address, etc.). There is an exhaustive menu that includes none of the options you need, so you select the option to speak to a representative. But it takes you to another menu to try to narrow what department you need to speak to. Every time you ask for a person, it takes you to another menu. When you finally get through to a person, regular business hours are over so no one answers. This happens every day, regardless of what menu options you choose.
Racist/Bigoted Conspiracy Theorists:
You were right.
For People I Don’t Like:
It’s your day off, the only day you get to sleep in and relax. But someone rings your doorbell at 6:00am to sell you aluminum siding or windows or security systems or lawn care or meat from a van or magazines. If you don’t answer, the next visitor will be a Jehovah’s Witness.
Anyone else have something? Share your special modern Hell in the comments.
(Credit for half of these go to Buddy as well as the words Obligatuesday and Impromptuesday.)